So things have changed!

I am always amazed at the certainty that change will come!  Just when you start to think how did I get to this place and what am I going to do to get myself out......it all changes!  Thank God!  I can always rely on my inner strength that sometimes I forget I have and wonder even if I haven't called it forth how does it know to help me?  My belief in a higher power and the power of our universe all makes everything continually moving forward. 

So just when I was at my bottom, really was unsure about my happiness and my ability to see the positive in my future, something clicked!  As easy as that.  I was so unhappy, so un-motivated, so confused, so mad, so resentful, so hurt!  These are all emotions I normally do not allow myself to feel with the exception of happiness.  People that know me would say I am a very happy, full of life, positive person.  I had temporarily lost that.  I for the first time in my life allowed myself to process pain, suffering, anger, hurt, resentful, fear, shame, loneliness.  It was an ugly place for me to be.  As much as I tried to shelter my family from all of this which was storming deep inside of me.  I couldn't!  My children,  my husband.  They felt it, saw it, experienced it, were so confused by it.  But because of the amazing bond we share together.  Because of the love and trust between each other.  And because of the constant communication with each other.  We got through it.  This journey I thought I was on by myself really was a journey that included my family.  My inability to trust things made me think I was going to have to battle all of this on my own.  But because of therapy, my family, my trust (yes trust) in myself, my belief in myself, my love for my family and my love (sort of, still working on this) for myself.  I was able to move forward.  I asked for my heart to be softened, and I asked for healing, and I asked for help!  When you put it out there change happens!  You can't just think it,  You must believe it, feel it changing deep within you, with every cell in your body KNOW that IT will happen!
And Poof it does!  Awesome! 
Today, I feel amazing!  I feel stronger, more beautiful, happier, softer, wiser, braver, safer!  I have more to process, I have more to learn, I have more to love (myself).  But it will happen!!! 

When things are good they are so good..................

How come when things are good they are soooooooooooo good?  Is it a total different mind set?  Sometimes I can get really irritated at myself and wonder WTF Jen?  What is wrong with you?  Why do I let certain people in my life and let them influence my thoughts, my dreams, my emotions?  Unbelievable.  I have been in such a thick fog and felt like I was absolutely drowning and there were no life rings around.  But............ today is different.  I feel like I am in so much more control of my thoughts, feelings, goals, dreams, the past!!!!  There is something deep inside of me that has been screaming to get out and when you quiet yourself long enough it seeps out and yes as it infects you and everything around you temporarily but then it can be gone.  Dissipates, evaporates.....yes!  There is also someone deep inside of me that has been screaming to get out...............me!  The me that is a different from before.  The me that is healthier, lovelier, even more beautiful!  The me that has so much more tosay.  The me that has an opinion.  The me that will let go of the past once and for all.  So to everyone in my life you have to give for what you take.  There is a balance and if you don't give what you get then you miss out.  I no longer belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me!!!! 
When you want it you want it, doesn't matter what it is, if it doesn't hurt you ............. then I so go get it!!!

So my journey begins............. there is so much to say and so much that has already happenned.  But in a nutshell my journey is about becoming FREE.  Free of pain, suffering, anger, resentment, fear, sorrow, hurt!!!!
I am so tired of not being free.  I am tired of the "have to's" of life.  I cannot decide if I am not free because of my own mental and emotional inabilities.  Or because of the past that has grabbed hold of every part of my being and won't let go.  Either Way I'm done!  So tired of not really being true to myself.  Along the way I have always said that True Love Conquers All!  That was my motto of life.  But the true love I was speaking of was of the love from my husband.  I couldn't live without him.  I couldn't even stand the thought of him ever being upset with me or disappointed in me.  His love was so true and so much that it suffocated me.  And what I didn't know was that it is the love of my true self that will conquer all.  I consider myself a pretty smart person so how could I have been so blind, and oblivious that the choices in life that I was making was actually hurting me and keeping me from healing myself.  So my journey will be to release the past, to allow true friendship to blossom from deep inside of me, to allow myself to like the me that everybody knows and the real me.  All of me.  To allow God into every part of my heart.  Everyday my kids remind me of how lucky I am.  How special they are.  How special I am.  I have learned so much from them.  I will continue to learn so much as they grow older.  More to come.........

So it begins.................... here I go

So this is my first blog ever.  Not really sure to where to start so I am just going to jump in with both feet and start blogging.
I think I would like to dedicate my first blog to an amazing person in my life!  She is a woman with such strong character, beauty that resembles the past when women really took the time to be a woman, she is wise beyond her years, sweet, funny, and strong!  Exactly the kind of woman I need to have in my life right now.  We have been friends for a year now and I have enjoyed her company as well as her families.  She has a great husband that adores her and two talented, beautiful children.  Gretchen............... you have become to me an important person in my life!  I believe it is so important for women to have a woman or many women in their lives.  These women like Gretchen for me will support you, comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, tell you the truth, and lie to you when you need it. hehehehe  So Thank you Gretchen for being a part of my life!  More to come..........................